Friday, October 29, 2010

Getting past "Why"

A lot has happened in the last two days, a lot I don't understand. It is amazing just how fast your families' lives can be turned upside down. In a split second. I've spent the last two days trying to be strong for those I care about that have been affected. It hasn't been easy. Do they really know how much I care, I don't often show it. It's not in my character to show emotion. I hide it well.

I've battled with the question of "why". What did they do, what did we do, "why" us. I spent less time asking myself this when I was diagnosed with cancer. I accepted it and moved ahead. Yea it was hard and I still think about it every day, but this just seems so much more difficult. I'm sure the odds are at least a million to one. So why?

If you believe in God then maybe it's his work, but he must have a reason. I just don't understand what it could be or why.

If you believe in fate then I guess it was an inevitable course of events. But it still doesn't help me.

I'm a cause and effect type of person. It's what I deal with at work all day. I'm good at what I do. If you show me the result, I will find what caused it and tell you why. Some situations are tough and some are so easy it can be resolved in seconds. But I always know why. It hasn't worked this time. I know the result and I've been told exactly what happened to get there. I understand, but it doesn't satisfy the question. Why?

I had a bit of a melt down this morning. I went there to be strong and to help her cope and deal with what lies ahead, something I thought I had a handle on. I didn't. Maybe I needed it, maybe we needed it. I hope she benefited from it as much as I did.

It's been a roller coaster ride for everyone, and it's only just begun. No one knows exactly what's going to happen. For now it's looking really good but it's going to be "minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day".

I spent a few minutes with a guy at the exit on my way out earlier tonight. We were talking about what has happened and the days events. He is also involved. We were both quite happy with today's news from afar. A big change from last night. Everything today has been positive although that can change in an instant. It was during our talk I
realized that I no longer need to dwell on the question "Why". I'm moving past it, it no longer matters so much. Will I still think about it...yea. Will I ever get the answer I'm seeking....I don't think so. I'm not sure where it came from, if someone said it to me, or why I said it to him.

I told him " No matter what happens we will adapt to him and he will adapt to us". He agreed. It made me realize that no matter what the outcome we will adapt.

The question of "Why" isn't quite so important anymore.

It's not the end of the road but it sure feels good to put "why" behind me.

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